The worst day since yesterday.
Staring blankly at my computer. The words that once meant
something stares back at me. The cold hands of sadness grips my heart. I
am in awe of how something so beautiful could be bad at the same time. I
try to express myself verbally, I end up making things worse. I try to
suppress my feelings and act like I don’t care, just so I can focus but nothing seems to be working. I am beginning to think you are no good for
me.....
The sound of your
laugh, the face you make when you are trying to concentrate, the sound of
your voice... I cannot get enough of these things. You try to make me
see reasons, but I am caught up in my world of anger. I watch your lips
move, lines appearing on your face as you frown... I should be listening
to you but I am distracted again ...
There
was a wall, you came barging in with tools and found a way around it. I
have nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. I have not needed my wall
for as long as I can remember and that was okay because I didn’t need
the it anymore. I leaned on you instead. I did not need to hide
anymore, I found comfort in your warm embrace. I haven’t needed my wall
like I did today. I was angry, upset , a million emotions running
through my head. I was exposed, opened. I needed you so bad, you weren’t
there. Then I looked back, in search of my wall. But then again, it
wasn’t there.
Furious,
I fall on the floor, covering my face in grievous need to hide. I grew
impatient, tired... in desperate need to feel better, I push you, hurt
you with my words and actions. This isn’t me, I need a new mechanism in
managing these emotion. It is choking sometimes... I don’t wana feel
like that.
--7th of July xx
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